Afraid

It's been a long time since I've posted here. Eventually this is always the place I come back to to reflect on my most personal thoughts.

Lately I'm starting to really dislike myself. Especially when I look at photos of myself - that image of me looks so detestable. Knowing that beneath the surface is a person who's not really what she seems, a person who's much more flawed and broken than she appears to be. A person who doesn't cut herself, the way some girls do, but who gouges out pieces of her heart for people who couldn't care less while doing the same to others: giving little regard to the same bloody gift others have carefully, painfully taken out of their souls for her. I'm losing confidence in myself - if and when the time comes, will I be able to take and keep my vows? I still feel like I've given up a large part of who I used to be, and I'm not sure if I like it.

I dislike the social niceties required for my job; it's so easy to read people (to a certain extent) while interacting with them and convergence is no problem for a communication student. But I don't want to do it, I'm sick of preserving harmony and trying to be likable. It's tiring, hypocritical, and in no way benefits me. I can honestly say I'm not a nice person. I'm pretty mean and only nice when I want to be. At work, I'm simply forced to be someone I'm not. I'm not Hannah Thio, I'm yarndink. But eventually the people who uncover the real me always leave, and I'm getting tired of being someone else just to have some friends at work, knowing that they won't like yarndink one bit.

Perhaps I'm really just an unlikeable, unlovable person and I can only have friends by behaving so that others will like me.

孤独

骄傲、自私、任性的我，
就只会让人感到厌倦……

就算你在我身边紧紧地抱着我，我时不时会觉得有距离，觉得寂寞。
不是因为你，而是因为我贪心。

我好像失去了爱一个人的能力。
真的让我感到害怕，让我也讨厌自己……

Eventually

Yes, I reopened my blog. Not because I wanted to let people read it (not that anyone does anyway), but because I just want to be.

After changing my template, I looked through bits of my archive. Silly posts, innocent thoughts, they're all still here thanks to technology. I can't believe I've used this blog for so long. I absentmindedly deleted everything without backing up so now lots of friend links are gone. It's good in a way.

My head is a mess right now. Honestly, I'm lost. As if I were 14 again. Lol...

Right, it's 2.17am and as usual, I was supposed to start sleeping earlier.

Insert my favorite action these days: *shrugs*

A TV commercial I used to love and rediscovered thanks to my archive. I'm sure most will remember seeing it...

I’m Officially a Jobless Grad!

So Ama started chatting with me on MSN today and I went to read her blog, which reminds me that I’ve not blogged in ages. There hasn’t been much going on though. So, another 2 months’ worth of updates in one post…

- As the title states, I’m now a jobless grad! Exams are over and now I’m just rotting at home each day. Really need to start actively looking for a job.

- My dear sister Ann gave me a really inspiring book! It’s The Secret, from the film with the same title 3 years ago. It really made me feel much better and more empowered, so thanks Sis! I’ll definitely pass it on to the Brunch Buddies =)

- We found Aedes mosquitoes breeding in our house =X The vase of pussy willows from CNY still had water in it! And the weekend was extremely hot so I guess that was when they bred. It was so bad that we had to spray the whole house with insecticide every hour and there were at least 50 of them dead on the floor. And somehow, they like my room or my blood, coz on Sunday night when I was sleeping I HEARD them flying around my ears, with 3 bites on my neck the next morning. On Monday I killed 5 more in my room. I had to get Citronella spray to protect myself, and now I have around 30 bites on my legs. STUPID MOZZIES.

- Last of all, I changed my phone (old news, coz that was more than a month ago lol). Love my new N5800, and thanks John for getting the CWM from me! Hehe.

Yep, there’s more but I’m too lazy lol. Time to slack off some more…